|
Pete Velcro
|
 |
« on: May 26, 2008, 12:09:41 AM » |
|
The following is a transcript from a recent episode of The Charlie Rose Show which, due to ongoing legal proceedings, has never been aired:
CHARLIE ROSE: Tom Scharpling is here. He is a rising star of stage and screen. His new film, Dutch, based on his Olivier Award-winning one-man show of the same name, opens this weekend. Also joining me, producer, Billy Crystal, and for the first time at this table, Andy Milonakis, who stars in the title role. Here is a trailer for the film.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ADRIENNE BARBEAU, ACTOR: Things are-a-changing, Dutch. I’ve changed my name to Pacasandra Moongravy.
ANDY MILONAKIS: Barbara—I mean Pacasandra Moongravy—I’m shipping out tomorrow, and I need to know if you’ll wear my class pin?
ADRIENNE BARBEAU: I’m going to hitchhike to San Francisco with Dave. He makes leather headbands!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CHARLIE ROSE: I am pleased to have all of them here to talk about this film. Welcome. Great to see you again.
(CROSSTALK)
CHARLIE ROSE: Tell me how this got started, because…how did you bring these—
TOM SCHARPLING: Well, you know…I was invited to the party really. Dutch is a character that Andy’s had his eye on…
CHARLIE ROSE: He called you up?
TOM SCHARPLING: Well I had mentioned on the show, a number of times—
CHARLIE ROSE: The Best Show, on…
TOM SCHARPLING: Yes, on the air…
BILLY CRYSTAL: I made the call.
TOM SCHARPLING: (Glaring at Billy Crystal)
BILLY CRYSTAL: (To Tom) Were you finished?
TOM SCHARPLING: No, you talk…
BILLY CRYSTAL: Okay…I made the—
TOM SCHARPLING: You keep talking.
ANDY MILONAKIS: Come on guys…(INAUDIBLE)
(Some Time)
CHARLIE ROSE: Artists at the top of their game can often be…
TOM SCHARPLING: “Artist”.
BILLY CRYSTAL: Charlie, the kid’s just had a long day. He’s a little…maybe an impression would cheer him up?
TOM SCHARPLING: Ugh…Let’s just move forward.
CHARLIE ROSE: Maybe a break is in order. (Looking in the camera) The creator and stars of “Dutch” for the hour.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
This is all I've got so far. I don't know enough about Billy Crystal or Andy Milonakis to keep going. We'll see.
|
|
|
|
« Last Edit: May 26, 2008, 12:11:52 AM by Pete Velcro »
|
Logged
|
"Jemaine's a hooker." - Bret
|
|
|
|
Martin
|
|
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2008, 03:29:32 AM » |
|
"(CROSSTALK)"
I love it!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
masterofsparks
|
|
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2008, 08:27:12 AM » |
|
TOM SCHARPLING: Ugh…Let’s just move forward. Haha! Putting the word "turlet" into Billy Crystal's mouth might add an extra laugh or two. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I'll probably go into the wee hours.
|
|
|
|
JonFromMaplewood
|
|
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2008, 12:03:11 PM » |
|
Priceless. Keep it going!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"I wouldn't leave my kid with Val Kilmer. There. I said it."
|
|
|
|
Pete Velcro
|
|
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2008, 03:06:11 PM » |
|
Awesome. Thanks guys. That means a lot, especially coming from John From Maplewood, the originator. Here's the conclusion:
CHARLIE ROSE: We’re back with my guests from the new movie “Dutch”—
BILLY CRYSTAL: Every kid on my block, we all wanted to be Mickey. We worshipped Mickey!
TOM SCHARPLING: WHO CARES?!?!
ANDY MILONOKIS: (LAUGHTER)
BILLY CRYSTAL: What are you laughing at you little freak?
CHARLIE ROSE: Look Billy, you have to behave on my show…This is my program.
BILLY CRYSTAL: I invented one man shows, Charlie.
TOM SCHARPLING: He’s showin’ off now.
BILLY CRYSTAL: Frank Rich called my New Orleans Jazz Man “delightful” when it debuted.
CHARLIE ROSE: Frank Rich is a friend of mine, and he never said that.
ANDY MILONAKIS: (To Billy Crystal) I hate you.
CHARLIE ROSE: Let’s look at another clip.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ROY ZIEGLER, ACTOR: You’s gotta get outta bed, Dutch. We’re’s gonna be late fer the goi-ant protest rally downtown and stuff.
ANDY MILONAKIS: Nothing matters anymore. You and Timmons go without me.
FRANK STALLONE, ACTOR: We’re not giving up on you’s, Dutch; just like you’s never gave up on us back in nem Choinese prison camps, neitha.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BILLY CRYSTAL: Skee-Bop, Do-Wop, Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wee-Ooh-Wah…
CHARLIE ROSE: (Clutches Billy Crystals hand) Billy, please try and concentrate so we can get through this.
(The dour six-note theme song to Stroszeck sounds from Tom Scharpling’s cell phone. He answers.)
TOM SCHARPLING: Mike, you’ve gotta get me out of here! This is a disaster! I’ve made a deal with the devil! They're all creeps!
BILLY CRYSTAL: (To Charlie Rose) You…look…MARVELOUS!
CHARLIE ROSE: (Calling into the deep blackness of the soundstage.) Security!
ANDY MILONAKIS: (Springs from his chair.) That’s it, I’m gonna show him his own blood!
(Call Screener Mike enters, still on his phone. Tom looks up with an expression of relief. He puts his phone away and stands up. He clutches Mike’s collar.)
TOM SCHARPLING: I don’t know how I got here! I never wanted to make this movie or write any of those behind the scenes paperbacks. Take my air hockey and classic arcade gamming trophies away! Take them all!
CALL SCREENER MIKE: Tom, it’s alright. It's over. (Offering his cell phone.) Someone wants to talk to you.
TOM SCHARPLING: WFMU, you’re on the—I mean, hello. (INAUDIBLE VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE)…From?...Miami…And what can I do for you tonight?...Ok…Yes…Well, I have to say, Andy Milonakis has been surprisingly pleasant. But, no, I’m not having fun...Huh?...You don’t tell me what time it is; I tell you what…How daaare you! GET OFF MY…Who?...Did what?...Holy Moley. (Tom hangs up and gives Mike his phone back.) (To Mike) Dutch is cancelled. I’m out. Doddy bought the rights to Dutch!
MIKE: Let’s go. Larry The Perv has Doddy’s solid gold helicopter idling on the roof.
TOM SCHARPLING: Where are we going?
CALL SCREENER MIKE: It’s Tuesday night. It’s eight o’clock.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"Jemaine's a hooker." - Bret
|
|
|
|
Martin
|
|
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2008, 03:37:30 PM » |
|
Beautiful.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Josh
|
|
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2008, 05:26:47 PM » |
|
awesome!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Completely tax-free. And perfectly legal. It's moored in Miami.
|
|
|
|
B_Buster
|
|
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2008, 04:37:53 PM » |
|
Me + cell phone = a stretch. But I'll let it slide this one time.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
See God, Kai
|
|
|
|
Pete Velcro
|
|
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2008, 10:18:03 PM » |
|
Me + cell phone = a stretch. But I'll let it slide this one time.
If Adrienne Barbeau can play convincingly as a 17 year old, surely you can own a cell phone? |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"Jemaine's a hooker." - Bret
|
|
|
joanna
Achilles bursitis
Posts: 225
|
|
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2008, 01:44:04 PM » |
|
i love it.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
JonFromMaplewood
|
|
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2008, 09:07:54 PM » |
|
CHARLIE ROSE: Look Billy, you have to behave on my show…This is my program.
BILLY CRYSTAL: I invented one man shows, Charlie.
Bwahahahaha! It's funny because I could see it happening in a heartbeat. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"I wouldn't leave my kid with Val Kilmer. There. I said it."
|
|
|
|
Susannah
Guest
|
|
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2008, 12:04:44 PM » |
|
Two thumbs way up!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
John Junk 2.0
Guest
|
|
« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2008, 04:04:13 PM » |
|
I love it!!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Josh Fenderman
Policemans heel
Posts: 93
One of Hollywood's Toppest Young Stars
|
|
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2008, 02:31:51 PM » |
|
This should really be recorded as a lead in to the show.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Tor_Hershman
Policemans heel
Posts: 79
Geezer
|
|
« Reply #14 on: November 25, 2008, 10:06:13 AM » |
|
It ain't no "Burger Barn" but it's dang funny  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
