Author Topic: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?  (Read 2563 times)

Tom Scharpling

  • I RUN THIS.
  • Achilles Tendon Bursitis
  • *************************************
  • Posts: 899
What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« on: April 21, 2017, 05:52:47 PM »
Dear friends and listeners --

I am trying to get a project underway and I could use some input/help from YOU!

What are your favorite stories that you've heard me tell on The Best Show? I'm not talking about S&W calls, I'm talking about me telling a story. Remember the story of me seeing Billy Joel with the switchblade? Or the legendary Patti Smith story? Those are the kinds of stories I'm looking for!

If you can tell me the episode date that's even more help! And if you know the timecode for the story in the episode? That is like paradise itself!!

You can post your answers in this thread or you can email me at BestShow4Life@yahoo.com. Or you can tweet them at me and use the #TomStories hashtag so I can track them down.

Thanks for any and all help with this!

Tom.

bdb318

  • Policemans heel
  • **
  • Posts: 61
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2017, 07:50:28 PM »
The Mr. Moonlight story from Beatlefest is pretty top notch. March 29, 2011. Timestamp for the story is 2:42:00. And the timestamp for the Spike call is 39:30, because why not.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2017, 08:03:40 PM by bdb318 »

Krokodil_Gena

  • Achilles bursitis
  • ***
  • Posts: 192
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2017, 12:14:20 AM »
The "fireworks story" from July 3rd, 2012.

The one where you had to duck between cars as the "birthday cake" slowly exploded, gravel mashed in your face. I love how it slowly builds from the Staten Island street fireworks to "my parents were friends with trash."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjNEt5Q-ttg

It's funny to me because I live in a part of a state where those sorts of fireworks are illegal, and yet every 4th of July, New Year's Eve, Chinese New Year, sometimes just randomly, you get to see or hear the skyrockets, noisemakers, Roman candles, bottle rockets, and those spinning bombs, as they fly off patios, street corners, and alleys.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2017, 03:11:44 AM by Krokodil_Gena »

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2017, 12:58:59 PM »
Tom vs. Papa Roach, 10/14/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 02:17:35

"Jim Beam, dude!" -- A member of Papa Roach, explaining why he was playing basketball on a Sunday afternoon

"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2017, 01:07:04 PM »
Craigslist Nightmare, 2/5/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 01:07:46  (a quick one and a bit of an obscurity!)


 "I'm picturing myself getting robbed. Getting stabbed, arrested, I don't know what. They're all my DVDs, these are not stolen, but still my mind is racing." -- Tom, fontasizing during a harrowing Craigslist drop-off

----

Over the past weekend Tom found a buyer for about 75 used DVDs via the popular online classified site Craigslist. The guy expressed interest in an eclectic collection that included the OOP R2 President Baseball (Alda/Fraser audio commentary, deleted Marg Helgenberger scenes), Labyrinth, and the 1963-1964 CBS Evening News 288-disc DVD box set, and they settled on a price that made both parties happy. When the guy asked for an address to pick up the stash, Tom realized that he forgot about an important and troubling part of the equation: the meet-up. He quickly scrambled to concoct a fib about something going on at his house, so they arranged to complete the transaction in the parking lot of a local shopping mall. As soon as Tom arrived on the scene he felt like a lowlife who was about to do something illegal.

Tom says the buyer described himself as a "good-lookin' white dude" wearing a brown bomber jacket and driving a green Jeep. Based on this information, Tom set out to find Dean Cain or George Clooney. However, he eventually discovered that the guy was actually the epitome of the average American male, a taller version of portly composer Paul Williams with a beard. Good-lookin' white dude! Tom pulled up alongside him, and he got in Tom's front passenger seat. As Tom sat across from his customer he realized that throwing the DVDs in the river would have been a much easier solution. He began imagining a series of nightmare scenarios where he is robbed at gun/knifepoint or arrested for attempting to sell stolen merchandise. As Tom's mind raced he nervously circled the parking lot with the guy now sorting through the boxes in the back seat. He was concerned about this arrangement because it made it easier for the guy to make a surprise knife attack to his throat. Tom pulled into a spot, creating the illusion of a suspicious drug deal: one guy in front and one guy rifling through stuff in the back.

The guy inspected the DVDs and started with the shenanigans to bargain Tom down from $300 to $275 because of how far he had to drive. Tom granted him the mileage discount to get him out of his car, but he only had $250 in cash. Tom refused to budge and sent him to the ATM in the mall. Since the guy gave him the money before he went inside, Tom realizes that he has almost all of the final sale price, all of the DVDs, and he's in a car. The guy only knows his name is Tom. Things done changed. But not really because the guy wasn't actually the violent crook of Tom's fontasies. The guy returned with the money and got back in the front seat for a ride to his Jeep. Tom wonders if these tense encounters are really what Craigslist is all about. He already regrets putting an ad for a lot of books on the site because he's been dealing with his potential murderer. The guy wants to see the books before making any offer, and the last thing Tom wants to see is this guy anywhere near his house. He has no desire to meet him in a parking lot and get a measly $15 offer. Tom fears he may not be here next week because he got barged down the Hudson for trying to unload freebie mysteries.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2017, 01:18:02 PM »
NY Metro Beatles Fest/Englishtown Flea Market & The Failed Quest for Bootlegs, 4/8/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 00:38:54

"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest

"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
---

While Tom had a fun time with Spike this past weekend at the Jay-Zzzzzz/Seance wedding, the previous weekend was marred by a far less enjoyable trip to the NY Metro Beatles Fest at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel & Exhibition Center. Tom isn't sure where to begin this sordid tale, so he warms up by singing an alternate version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":

    It was 41 years ago today

    Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play

    Now there's fans for all the wrong reasons

    Creepin' everybody out

    Recontextualizing things to pretend they are the way they weren't

    To fit their own limited worldview

After this musical prelude, Tom decides to begin at the beginning. He pulled into the parking garage for the Friday session and scoped out the complex for the right hotel. He was certain he was looking at the wrong building because it appeared to be hosting the To Catch A Predator convention, the latest project from the irascible Paul Higgins of Conventions, Inc. Tom saw preverty guys pouring out of the doors as though there was a police raid and expected to see Chris Hanson chasing them into the parking lot. He then noticed that these predators were wearing Sgt. Pepper's t-shirts. This was it. While some might think that Tom should have known better, he explains that he had one important mission: bootlegs.

He paid his $35 admission fee, got fitted for a wristband that was less desirable than a weird rash, and headed right for the action. Tom then made a stunning discovery -- there was not one bootleg for sale in the so-called "Marketplace" section of the festival. If he wanted to get Dogmo a Yellow Submarine t-shirt, he could have done that. He also had the opportunity to drop $1,450 for a ripped ticket stub (THE B) from a gig in Ohio. Tom doesn't want to stare at a piece of paper indicating that someone else saw The Beatles perform live. He wanted some bootlegs. Tom saw plenty of instructional videos on how to play the band's catalog, and even some satin Sgt. Pepper's suits. Tom believes that anyone wearing these outfits should be stuffed into the back of a squad car on general principle to sort out the particulars of their criminal record back at the station. Mike the Associate Producer is curious about the price tag for this ensemble, and Tom fears that he may be in the market for one. He tells Mike that if he shows up next week tooting a clarinet while wearing Paul McCartneys threads and Sharpie 'stache, he will toss him off the roof of WFMU. Tom is amazed that the band managed to come up with four different mustache styles that were all equally stupid-looking, ranging from Paul's marker flick to John's weird handlebar.

Tom breaks down the setup of the main room: memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, Butch Patrick, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table. Tom got mad after seeing the adult Eddie Munster. He has no idea how Patrick is connected to The Beatles other than The Munsters airing in the same decade as the band's peak years. Tom doesn't think this is enough of an overlap to warrant Patrick packing up his Eddie dolls and landing on the bill. He did not get his autograph. Tom overheard someone ask Patrick a lame question about whether Grandpa Al Lewis was always a nice man. (He was.) Tom suddenly felt sorry for Butch Patrick, who was taking up good bootlegging real estate by idly tapping his fingers on the table.

He then spotted Sid Bernstein, the legendary promoter who brought The Beatles to America, looking inflated enough to be the Kid from Brooklyn's grandfather. Tom put the over/under for Bernstein's chair surviving the weekend intact at early Saturday afternoon. He came in towards the end of a Beatles fan delivering a monologue to Bernstein, who instructed him to purchase his book to find the answers to his questions. Tom is understandably annoyed that Bernstein is a published author. The bootlegs remained elusive. The rest of the guests were a regular "Who's That?!" of Beatles-related luminaries:

1. Pattie Boyd, famous for driving George Harrison into a spiral of depression for three years. Pattie: 1. Tom: 0.

2. Ex-Wings members Denny Seiwell and Laurence Juber (Tom did enjoy their presence amidst the riff-raff)

3. Mark Hudson from the Hudson Brothers

4. Nancy Lee Andrews, Ringo's girlfriend and fiancee in the mid- to late-1970s. NLA: 1. Tom: 0.

5. A woman walking around in a Bon Jovi jacket saying "Oh, s hit!" at the sight of someone named Steve.

(Tom missed the stars of Across the Universe, who were only at the Saturday session)

Tom regained his focus and started asking around for the good stuff. Someone explained that the bootlegs cannot be found on the main convention floor. The discs are kept in an undisclosed hotel room. If you find out the room number, you can meet with the dealer. (O.J. Simpson was not in attendance.) Tom wandered into the ballroom for the subpar lookalike contest, which included a 14-year-old Lennon costumed with just a t-shirt (Tom gives the wiseguy some credit for his minimalist approach) and a guy who looked like Richard Karn from Home Improvement with a Sgt. Pepper's mustache. Tom also heard some of the set from Liverpool, a Beatles tribute band featuring former Styxman Glenn Burtnik. He then found himself in the middle of the singalong jam session in the lobby as he tried to score. Tom had become the dirtbag. He says he never felt sleazier in his entire life, and he even put Jillian Barberie through the nightmare of asking for bootlegs. She found out that the Chicago Beatles Fest got raided, and the connect did not come to the NY Metro Fest because he feared John Q. Law.

Tom left the Crowne Plaza completely defeated and empty-handed. He just wanted some official bootlegs -- compressed.mp3s will not cut it -- for a project he's working on. Tom thinks he's earned the right to own these collectibles since he's paid the band up and down throughout his life, including purchasing three copies of Harrison's much-maligned 1982 album, Gone Troppo. Tom hoped to at least grab a Beatles book that caught his eye as a consolation prize, but the "Marketplace" closed an hour early. A fitting conclusion to a demoralizing festival that haunted Tom all night. He suffered a full-on nightmare, and he still couldn't shake it off on Saturday morning. It got to him. He was denied. He wasn't going to give up yet.



Tom looked in the mirror and decided to go to the Englishtown Flea Market. He hadn't been since he was a little boy, and it was bad news -- a barren, post-apocalyptic shopping mall that looked like a combat zone out of The Road Warrior. The first pieces of merchandise he saw were far from Beatles boots: weird bags of cookies scattered on the ground and scary jewelry. Tom was greeted by the sight of a woman yelling into the men's room to get a customer to pick up his bag of dinner rolls. He is pretty sure he saw a guy with two heads, the result of the nuclear testing that occurs on the grounds. Tom was mildly intrigued by a table with two music DVDs -- live concerts from Peter Gabriel and jazz pianist Marian McPartland -- and one copy of the Andy Samberg comedy, Hot Rod. No bootlegs. The rest of the vendor's selections were films of the pornographic varietay. Tom thinks he should just stick to porn since it's already 99.8% of his inventory. After seeing a weirdo selling pewter animals Tom knew that made a deal with the devil to go to this flea market. He didn't leave with any bootlegs, but he thinks he left part of his soul on the sunglasses table or with the car radios. Tom asks listeners to buy back the shreds of his dignity and send them back to him.

As we all know, Tom's a fighter, and he still wouldn't give up hope. Next stop: Route 18. Tom arrived at 4:07 p.m. and completed his search by 4:13 p.m. In those six minutes he found no bootlegs, but he did see the following items:

    Paintball equipment
    Slot machines ("I hit the jackpot! Oh, wait, I own this.")
    Knives
    More pewter animals
    Karate gear
    More porn
    Worst-looking food on Earth
    Lots of stuff celebrating the violence in Asian culture

Tom got choked up passing an animal shelter, and he put a little money in the cup. He then realized that he was getting misty because people were applying shellac to paintings four feet from the dogs and cats. Toxic chemicals: yes. Bootlegs: no. Tom reminisces about his youth when the bootlegs flowed like water. You threw a rock, and you hit one. He doesn't understand what has happened to this country.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2017, 01:20:41 PM »
Tom vs. Papa Roach, 10/14/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 02:17:35

"Jim Beam, dude!" -- A member of Papa Roach, explaining why he was playing basketball on a Sunday afternoon

I did not relisten to the above in full and I did not recap this story, but it may also include some other basketball writing stories involving Rick Pitino (I believe Tom heard him yelling during a practice?) and also some Paul Pierce/Antoine Walker stuff.  If it doesn't, then there is another show in which said tales were told.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2017, 01:22:28 PM »
This is an obvious one, but the post-9/11, eating cheesecake in a parking lot is obviously a classic from 9/18/2001. That show would probably qualify in general as a talking about 9/11 a week later for three hours thing.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

buffcoat

  • Space Champion!
  • ******
  • Posts: 6145
  • I don't give a rip!
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2017, 04:35:57 PM »
Two spring to mind:

Another basketball one is the Spike Lee story, Tom walking all the way across the court to be told "I ain't working today."

From last year:

Quote from: buffcoat on October 13, 2016, 06:52:29 AM
The week before, I'm pretty sure it's Tom angrily repeating "Not now!" from the guy in The Control Freaks.
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!

Mike Desert

  • Achilles Tendon Bursitis
  • *****
  • Posts: 638
    • HORNSS
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2017, 01:05:37 PM »
Talking about the Boardwalk, not really a story but talking about the New Jersey Xanadu was hilarious to me.
Another San Fransisco Toilet Person

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2017, 07:11:31 PM »
Here's a mini-trash snack/Boardwalk riff ...
 
Candy Apple Great?, 9/12/06, WFMU Archive timestamp = 00:28:43 [actually starts a bit later after a riff on a dumb article about iPods]

"Why bother with the apple? Why not just put that stuff in a bag? Why are we even pretending to have something healthy in the middle of that." -- Tom on ... the candy apple gone mad

"Why does this Oreo taste like shrimp?" -- A boardwalker enjoying a fried treat


---

As Tom piloted his hybrid past the rows of eateries, his hunger made everything seem alluring -- even items that would not usually sneak into the Scharpling diet. When he saw that Macdonald’s had their vanilly cones on sale for 25 cents, he was inspired to invent the ultimate trashy snack. In this culinary mash-up, you buy the hot apple pie and smash it right into the cone. You then eat the cone with a hot apple pie sticking out of it. Alas, the excitement dissipated, and Tom returned home to consume a natural snack in the form of an apple … dipped in caramel. This leads into a riff about the increasingly outlandish candy apples being sold on boardwalks. The current state of this oversized lolli is so out of whack that the apple with just the red glaze is the equivalent of a natural apple to the obese boardwalk denizens. For them, the real snacking magic occurs when the dumb fruit is made a bit smarter by applying fudge, crumbled pretzels, and rolling it in mini M & M's. Tom thinks that the add-ons make the apple component completely irrelevant and should just be thrown into a bag and eaten separately. Tom orders the boardwalk people to start focusing on health.

Tom finds it weird that those kinds of treats would be financially successful on the boardwalk because everyone he saw there this summer was pretty fit. He wonders how this is possible since they sell the worst food up there. Tom assumes that the people are burning the fat during their 1/4-mile walk before they start wheezing and collapse on a bench. Tom mentions another healthy boardwalk staple that he first saw last year: fried Oreos. In addition to being a health hazard, Tom points out that the frequent use and re-use of the frying oil would likely cause the Oreo to take on the flavor of shrimp and other savory items that had previously bathed in the murky liquid.

Tom also notes that Seaside Heights had more pizza for sale per square foot than anywhere on Earth. Tom went into a place that appeared to be a little more diverse, and, as the sign advertised, there was a dude making sushi. Tom wonders who is eating sushi on the boardwalk, especially coming from the hands of a man who was clearly not trained in the art of its preparation. While Tom is critical of the boardwalk’s offerings, he wonders if fresh fish that requires expert hands -- not a dude in a Jenkinson’s t-shirt -- is the best alternative. The guy was likely running the rollercoaster a few weeks ago after getting booted from bumper car duty because his failure to maintain one of the vehicles led to a kid banging his head on the steering wheel. Now he’s rolling yellowtail.

Tom is also not pleased with the hardline ticketing policies of Seaside Heights. Tom bought a $25 ride packet, and he didn’t get back down there to exhaust his remaining 15 tickets. He checked the tickets and discovered that they are good only in the year issued -- Memorial Day to Labor Day. Tom is baffled that they won’t let you use purchased tickets since it costs nothing to allow people to sit in a chair on a ride that will run anyway, regardless of whether its fully occupied by valid ticketholders. Tom’s not riling the workers out of their homes to oil up the bumper cars and get them running for an exclusive spin. Verdict: thumbs down.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

bovio

  • Policemans heel
  • **
  • Posts: 52
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2017, 09:27:10 AM »
I don't remember the details too well but I recall being in stitches over a keyboard player (?) performing at a restaurant, maybe a buffet.

theWhatReally

  • Plantar Fasciitis
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2017, 04:35:24 PM »
NY Metro Beatles Fest/Englishtown Flea Market & The Failed Quest for Bootlegs, 4/8/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 00:38:54

"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest

"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
---

While Tom had a fun time with Spike this past weekend at the Jay-Zzzzzz/Seance wedding, the previous weekend was marred by a far less enjoyable trip to the NY Metro Beatles Fest at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel & Exhibition Center. Tom isn't sure where to begin this sordid tale, so he warms up by singing an alternate version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":

    It was 41 years ago today

    Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play

    Now there's fans for all the wrong reasons

    Creepin' everybody out

    Recontextualizing things to pretend they are the way they weren't

    To fit their own limited worldview

After this musical prelude, Tom decides to begin at the beginning. He pulled into the parking garage for the Friday session and scoped out the complex for the right hotel. He was certain he was looking at the wrong building because it appeared to be hosting the To Catch A Predator convention, the latest project from the irascible Paul Higgins of Conventions, Inc. Tom saw preverty guys pouring out of the doors as though there was a police raid and expected to see Chris Hanson chasing them into the parking lot. He then noticed that these predators were wearing Sgt. Pepper's t-shirts. This was it. While some might think that Tom should have known better, he explains that he had one important mission: bootlegs.

He paid his $35 admission fee, got fitted for a wristband that was less desirable than a weird rash, and headed right for the action. Tom then made a stunning discovery -- there was not one bootleg for sale in the so-called "Marketplace" section of the festival. If he wanted to get Dogmo a Yellow Submarine t-shirt, he could have done that. He also had the opportunity to drop $1,450 for a ripped ticket stub (THE B) from a gig in Ohio. Tom doesn't want to stare at a piece of paper indicating that someone else saw The Beatles perform live. He wanted some bootlegs. Tom saw plenty of instructional videos on how to play the band's catalog, and even some satin Sgt. Pepper's suits. Tom believes that anyone wearing these outfits should be stuffed into the back of a squad car on general principle to sort out the particulars of their criminal record back at the station. Mike the Associate Producer is curious about the price tag for this ensemble, and Tom fears that he may be in the market for one. He tells Mike that if he shows up next week tooting a clarinet while wearing Paul McCartneys threads and Sharpie 'stache, he will toss him off the roof of WFMU. Tom is amazed that the band managed to come up with four different mustache styles that were all equally stupid-looking, ranging from Paul's marker flick to John's weird handlebar.

Tom breaks down the setup of the main room: memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, Butch Patrick, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table. Tom got mad after seeing the adult Eddie Munster. He has no idea how Patrick is connected to The Beatles other than The Munsters airing in the same decade as the band's peak years. Tom doesn't think this is enough of an overlap to warrant Patrick packing up his Eddie dolls and landing on the bill. He did not get his autograph. Tom overheard someone ask Patrick a lame question about whether Grandpa Al Lewis was always a nice man. (He was.) Tom suddenly felt sorry for Butch Patrick, who was taking up good bootlegging real estate by idly tapping his fingers on the table.

He then spotted Sid Bernstein, the legendary promoter who brought The Beatles to America, looking inflated enough to be the Kid from Brooklyn's grandfather. Tom put the over/under for Bernstein's chair surviving the weekend intact at early Saturday afternoon. He came in towards the end of a Beatles fan delivering a monologue to Bernstein, who instructed him to purchase his book to find the answers to his questions. Tom is understandably annoyed that Bernstein is a published author. The bootlegs remained elusive. The rest of the guests were a regular "Who's That?!" of Beatles-related luminaries:

1. Pattie Boyd, famous for driving George Harrison into a spiral of depression for three years. Pattie: 1. Tom: 0.

2. Ex-Wings members Denny Seiwell and Laurence Juber (Tom did enjoy their presence amidst the riff-raff)

3. Mark Hudson from the Hudson Brothers

4. Nancy Lee Andrews, Ringo's girlfriend and fiancee in the mid- to late-1970s. NLA: 1. Tom: 0.

5. A woman walking around in a Bon Jovi jacket saying "Oh, s hit!" at the sight of someone named Steve.

(Tom missed the stars of Across the Universe, who were only at the Saturday session)

Tom regained his focus and started asking around for the good stuff. Someone explained that the bootlegs cannot be found on the main convention floor. The discs are kept in an undisclosed hotel room. If you find out the room number, you can meet with the dealer. (O.J. Simpson was not in attendance.) Tom wandered into the ballroom for the subpar lookalike contest, which included a 14-year-old Lennon costumed with just a t-shirt (Tom gives the wiseguy some credit for his minimalist approach) and a guy who looked like Richard Karn from Home Improvement with a Sgt. Pepper's mustache. Tom also heard some of the set from Liverpool, a Beatles tribute band featuring former Styxman Glenn Burtnik. He then found himself in the middle of the singalong jam session in the lobby as he tried to score. Tom had become the dirtbag. He says he never felt sleazier in his entire life, and he even put Jillian Barberie through the nightmare of asking for bootlegs. She found out that the Chicago Beatles Fest got raided, and the connect did not come to the NY Metro Fest because he feared John Q. Law.

Tom left the Crowne Plaza completely defeated and empty-handed. He just wanted some official bootlegs -- compressed.mp3s will not cut it -- for a project he's working on. Tom thinks he's earned the right to own these collectibles since he's paid the band up and down throughout his life, including purchasing three copies of Harrison's much-maligned 1982 album, Gone Troppo. Tom hoped to at least grab a Beatles book that caught his eye as a consolation prize, but the "Marketplace" closed an hour early. A fitting conclusion to a demoralizing festival that haunted Tom all night. He suffered a full-on nightmare, and he still couldn't shake it off on Saturday morning. It got to him. He was denied. He wasn't going to give up yet.



Tom looked in the mirror and decided to go to the Englishtown Flea Market. He hadn't been since he was a little boy, and it was bad news -- a barren, post-apocalyptic shopping mall that looked like a combat zone out of The Road Warrior. The first pieces of merchandise he saw were far from Beatles boots: weird bags of cookies scattered on the ground and scary jewelry. Tom was greeted by the sight of a woman yelling into the men's room to get a customer to pick up his bag of dinner rolls. He is pretty sure he saw a guy with two heads, the result of the nuclear testing that occurs on the grounds. Tom was mildly intrigued by a table with two music DVDs -- live concerts from Peter Gabriel and jazz pianist Marian McPartland -- and one copy of the Andy Samberg comedy, Hot Rod. No bootlegs. The rest of the vendor's selections were films of the pornographic varietay. Tom thinks he should just stick to porn since it's already 99.8% of his inventory. After seeing a weirdo selling pewter animals Tom knew that made a deal with the devil to go to this flea market. He didn't leave with any bootlegs, but he thinks he left part of his soul on the sunglasses table or with the car radios. Tom asks listeners to buy back the shreds of his dignity and send them back to him.

As we all know, Tom's a fighter, and he still wouldn't give up hope. Next stop: Route 18. Tom arrived at 4:07 p.m. and completed his search by 4:13 p.m. In those six minutes he found no bootlegs, but he did see the following items:

    Paintball equipment
    Slot machines ("I hit the jackpot! Oh, wait, I own this.")
    Knives
    More pewter animals
    Karate gear
    More porn
    Worst-looking food on Earth
    Lots of stuff celebrating the violence in Asian culture

Tom got choked up passing an animal shelter, and he put a little money in the cup. He then realized that he was getting misty because people were applying shellac to paintings four feet from the dogs and cats. Toxic chemicals: yes. Bootlegs: no. Tom reminisces about his youth when the bootlegs flowed like water. You threw a rock, and you hit one. He doesn't understand what has happened to this country.

Why did you do this........why????

Omar

  • A Recapper/A True Star.
  • Space Champion!
  • *********
  • Posts: 1994
  • HOF / ROTY '07 / SOTY '08
    • Recidivism
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2017, 08:22:39 PM »
NY Metro Beatles Fest/Englishtown Flea Market & The Failed Quest for Bootlegs, 4/8/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 00:38:54

"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest

"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
---

While Tom had a fun time with Spike this past weekend at the Jay-Zzzzzz/Seance wedding, the previous weekend was marred by a far less enjoyable trip to the NY Metro Beatles Fest at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel & Exhibition Center. Tom isn't sure where to begin this sordid tale, so he warms up by singing an alternate version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":

    It was 41 years ago today

    Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play

    Now there's fans for all the wrong reasons

    Creepin' everybody out

    Recontextualizing things to pretend they are the way they weren't

    To fit their own limited worldview

After this musical prelude, Tom decides to begin at the beginning. He pulled into the parking garage for the Friday session and scoped out the complex for the right hotel. He was certain he was looking at the wrong building because it appeared to be hosting the To Catch A Predator convention, the latest project from the irascible Paul Higgins of Conventions, Inc. Tom saw preverty guys pouring out of the doors as though there was a police raid and expected to see Chris Hanson chasing them into the parking lot. He then noticed that these predators were wearing Sgt. Pepper's t-shirts. This was it. While some might think that Tom should have known better, he explains that he had one important mission: bootlegs.

He paid his $35 admission fee, got fitted for a wristband that was less desirable than a weird rash, and headed right for the action. Tom then made a stunning discovery -- there was not one bootleg for sale in the so-called "Marketplace" section of the festival. If he wanted to get Dogmo a Yellow Submarine t-shirt, he could have done that. He also had the opportunity to drop $1,450 for a ripped ticket stub (THE B) from a gig in Ohio. Tom doesn't want to stare at a piece of paper indicating that someone else saw The Beatles perform live. He wanted some bootlegs. Tom saw plenty of instructional videos on how to play the band's catalog, and even some satin Sgt. Pepper's suits. Tom believes that anyone wearing these outfits should be stuffed into the back of a squad car on general principle to sort out the particulars of their criminal record back at the station. Mike the Associate Producer is curious about the price tag for this ensemble, and Tom fears that he may be in the market for one. He tells Mike that if he shows up next week tooting a clarinet while wearing Paul McCartneys threads and Sharpie 'stache, he will toss him off the roof of WFMU. Tom is amazed that the band managed to come up with four different mustache styles that were all equally stupid-looking, ranging from Paul's marker flick to John's weird handlebar.

Tom breaks down the setup of the main room: memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, Butch Patrick, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table. Tom got mad after seeing the adult Eddie Munster. He has no idea how Patrick is connected to The Beatles other than The Munsters airing in the same decade as the band's peak years. Tom doesn't think this is enough of an overlap to warrant Patrick packing up his Eddie dolls and landing on the bill. He did not get his autograph. Tom overheard someone ask Patrick a lame question about whether Grandpa Al Lewis was always a nice man. (He was.) Tom suddenly felt sorry for Butch Patrick, who was taking up good bootlegging real estate by idly tapping his fingers on the table.

He then spotted Sid Bernstein, the legendary promoter who brought The Beatles to America, looking inflated enough to be the Kid from Brooklyn's grandfather. Tom put the over/under for Bernstein's chair surviving the weekend intact at early Saturday afternoon. He came in towards the end of a Beatles fan delivering a monologue to Bernstein, who instructed him to purchase his book to find the answers to his questions. Tom is understandably annoyed that Bernstein is a published author. The bootlegs remained elusive. The rest of the guests were a regular "Who's That?!" of Beatles-related luminaries:

1. Pattie Boyd, famous for driving George Harrison into a spiral of depression for three years. Pattie: 1. Tom: 0.

2. Ex-Wings members Denny Seiwell and Laurence Juber (Tom did enjoy their presence amidst the riff-raff)

3. Mark Hudson from the Hudson Brothers

4. Nancy Lee Andrews, Ringo's girlfriend and fiancee in the mid- to late-1970s. NLA: 1. Tom: 0.

5. A woman walking around in a Bon Jovi jacket saying "Oh, s hit!" at the sight of someone named Steve.

(Tom missed the stars of Across the Universe, who were only at the Saturday session)

Tom regained his focus and started asking around for the good stuff. Someone explained that the bootlegs cannot be found on the main convention floor. The discs are kept in an undisclosed hotel room. If you find out the room number, you can meet with the dealer. (O.J. Simpson was not in attendance.) Tom wandered into the ballroom for the subpar lookalike contest, which included a 14-year-old Lennon costumed with just a t-shirt (Tom gives the wiseguy some credit for his minimalist approach) and a guy who looked like Richard Karn from Home Improvement with a Sgt. Pepper's mustache. Tom also heard some of the set from Liverpool, a Beatles tribute band featuring former Styxman Glenn Burtnik. He then found himself in the middle of the singalong jam session in the lobby as he tried to score. Tom had become the dirtbag. He says he never felt sleazier in his entire life, and he even put Jillian Barberie through the nightmare of asking for bootlegs. She found out that the Chicago Beatles Fest got raided, and the connect did not come to the NY Metro Fest because he feared John Q. Law.

Tom left the Crowne Plaza completely defeated and empty-handed. He just wanted some official bootlegs -- compressed.mp3s will not cut it -- for a project he's working on. Tom thinks he's earned the right to own these collectibles since he's paid the band up and down throughout his life, including purchasing three copies of Harrison's much-maligned 1982 album, Gone Troppo. Tom hoped to at least grab a Beatles book that caught his eye as a consolation prize, but the "Marketplace" closed an hour early. A fitting conclusion to a demoralizing festival that haunted Tom all night. He suffered a full-on nightmare, and he still couldn't shake it off on Saturday morning. It got to him. He was denied. He wasn't going to give up yet.



Tom looked in the mirror and decided to go to the Englishtown Flea Market. He hadn't been since he was a little boy, and it was bad news -- a barren, post-apocalyptic shopping mall that looked like a combat zone out of The Road Warrior. The first pieces of merchandise he saw were far from Beatles boots: weird bags of cookies scattered on the ground and scary jewelry. Tom was greeted by the sight of a woman yelling into the men's room to get a customer to pick up his bag of dinner rolls. He is pretty sure he saw a guy with two heads, the result of the nuclear testing that occurs on the grounds. Tom was mildly intrigued by a table with two music DVDs -- live concerts from Peter Gabriel and jazz pianist Marian McPartland -- and one copy of the Andy Samberg comedy, Hot Rod. No bootlegs. The rest of the vendor's selections were films of the pornographic varietay. Tom thinks he should just stick to porn since it's already 99.8% of his inventory. After seeing a weirdo selling pewter animals Tom knew that made a deal with the devil to go to this flea market. He didn't leave with any bootlegs, but he thinks he left part of his soul on the sunglasses table or with the car radios. Tom asks listeners to buy back the shreds of his dignity and send them back to him.

As we all know, Tom's a fighter, and he still wouldn't give up hope. Next stop: Route 18. Tom arrived at 4:07 p.m. and completed his search by 4:13 p.m. In those six minutes he found no bootlegs, but he did see the following items:

    Paintball equipment
    Slot machines ("I hit the jackpot! Oh, wait, I own this.")
    Knives
    More pewter animals
    Karate gear
    More porn
    Worst-looking food on Earth
    Lots of stuff celebrating the violence in Asian culture

Tom got choked up passing an animal shelter, and he put a little money in the cup. He then realized that he was getting misty because people were applying shellac to paintings four feet from the dogs and cats. Toxic chemicals: yes. Bootlegs: no. Tom reminisces about his youth when the bootlegs flowed like water. You threw a rock, and you hit one. He doesn't understand what has happened to this country.

Why did you do this........why????

Your lack of knowledge and lack of respect is staggering.
"Let's have a device-a-thon, just you and me." -- Montgomery Davies

buffcoat

  • Space Champion!
  • ******
  • Posts: 6145
  • I don't give a rip!
Re: What Are Your Favorite Tom Stories From The Best Show?
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2017, 11:24:27 AM »
Yeah, I don't get this shtick.
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!

 

anything