NY Metro Beatles Fest/Englishtown Flea Market & The Failed Quest for Bootlegs, 4/8/08, WFMU Archive timestamp = 00:38:54
"Jersey comes though like an ink stain sometimes." -- Tom, spotting a woman wearing a Bon Jovi jacket at the NY Metro Beatles Fest
"I literally think I saw a guy with two heads walking around at this thing. I think this might have been some nuclear testing ground." -- Tom, mixing it up with the mutants at the Englishtown Flea Market
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While Tom had a fun time with Spike this past weekend at the Jay-Zzzzzz/Seance wedding, the previous weekend was marred by a far less enjoyable trip to the NY Metro Beatles Fest at the Crowne Plaza Meadowlands Hotel & Exhibition Center. Tom isn't sure where to begin this sordid tale, so he warms up by singing an alternate version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":
It was 41 years ago today
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play
Now there's fans for all the wrong reasons
Creepin' everybody out
Recontextualizing things to pretend they are the way they weren't
To fit their own limited worldview
After this musical prelude, Tom decides to begin at the beginning. He pulled into the parking garage for the Friday session and scoped out the complex for the right hotel. He was certain he was looking at the wrong building because it appeared to be hosting the To Catch A Predator convention, the latest project from the irascible Paul Higgins of Conventions, Inc. Tom saw preverty guys pouring out of the doors as though there was a police raid and expected to see Chris Hanson chasing them into the parking lot. He then noticed that these predators were wearing Sgt. Pepper's t-shirts. This was it. While some might think that Tom should have known better, he explains that he had one important mission: bootlegs.
He paid his $35 admission fee, got fitted for a wristband that was less desirable than a weird rash, and headed right for the action. Tom then made a stunning discovery -- there was not one bootleg for sale in the so-called "Marketplace" section of the festival. If he wanted to get Dogmo a Yellow Submarine t-shirt, he could have done that. He also had the opportunity to drop $1,450 for a ripped ticket stub (THE B) from a gig in Ohio. Tom doesn't want to stare at a piece of paper indicating that someone else saw The Beatles perform live. He wanted some bootlegs. Tom saw plenty of instructional videos on how to play the band's catalog, and even some satin Sgt. Pepper's suits. Tom believes that anyone wearing these outfits should be stuffed into the back of a squad car on general principle to sort out the particulars of their criminal record back at the station. Mike the Associate Producer is curious about the price tag for this ensemble, and Tom fears that he may be in the market for one. He tells Mike that if he shows up next week tooting a clarinet while wearing Paul McCartneys threads and Sharpie 'stache, he will toss him off the roof of WFMU. Tom is amazed that the band managed to come up with four different mustache styles that were all equally stupid-looking, ranging from Paul's marker flick to John's weird handlebar.
Tom breaks down the setup of the main room: memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, Butch Patrick, memorabilia table, memorabilia table, memorabilia table. Tom got mad after seeing the adult Eddie Munster. He has no idea how Patrick is connected to The Beatles other than The Munsters airing in the same decade as the band's peak years. Tom doesn't think this is enough of an overlap to warrant Patrick packing up his Eddie dolls and landing on the bill. He did not get his autograph. Tom overheard someone ask Patrick a lame question about whether Grandpa Al Lewis was always a nice man. (He was.) Tom suddenly felt sorry for Butch Patrick, who was taking up good bootlegging real estate by idly tapping his fingers on the table.
He then spotted Sid Bernstein, the legendary promoter who brought The Beatles to America, looking inflated enough to be the Kid from Brooklyn's grandfather. Tom put the over/under for Bernstein's chair surviving the weekend intact at early Saturday afternoon. He came in towards the end of a Beatles fan delivering a monologue to Bernstein, who instructed him to purchase his book to find the answers to his questions. Tom is understandably annoyed that Bernstein is a published author. The bootlegs remained elusive. The rest of the guests were a regular "Who's That?!" of Beatles-related luminaries:
1. Pattie Boyd, famous for driving George Harrison into a spiral of depression for three years. Pattie: 1. Tom: 0.
2. Ex-Wings members Denny Seiwell and Laurence Juber (Tom did enjoy their presence amidst the riff-raff)
3. Mark Hudson from the Hudson Brothers
4. Nancy Lee Andrews, Ringo's girlfriend and fiancee in the mid- to late-1970s. NLA: 1. Tom: 0.
5. A woman walking around in a Bon Jovi jacket saying "Oh, s hit!" at the sight of someone named Steve.
(Tom missed the stars of Across the Universe, who were only at the Saturday session)
Tom regained his focus and started asking around for the good stuff. Someone explained that the bootlegs cannot be found on the main convention floor. The discs are kept in an undisclosed hotel room. If you find out the room number, you can meet with the dealer. (O.J. Simpson was not in attendance.) Tom wandered into the ballroom for the subpar lookalike contest, which included a 14-year-old Lennon costumed with just a t-shirt (Tom gives the wiseguy some credit for his minimalist approach) and a guy who looked like Richard Karn from Home Improvement with a Sgt. Pepper's mustache. Tom also heard some of the set from Liverpool, a Beatles tribute band featuring former Styxman Glenn Burtnik. He then found himself in the middle of the singalong jam session in the lobby as he tried to score. Tom had become the dirtbag. He says he never felt sleazier in his entire life, and he even put Jillian Barberie through the nightmare of asking for bootlegs. She found out that the Chicago Beatles Fest got raided, and the connect did not come to the NY Metro Fest because he feared John Q. Law.
Tom left the Crowne Plaza completely defeated and empty-handed. He just wanted some official bootlegs -- compressed.mp3s will not cut it -- for a project he's working on. Tom thinks he's earned the right to own these collectibles since he's paid the band up and down throughout his life, including purchasing three copies of Harrison's much-maligned 1982 album, Gone Troppo. Tom hoped to at least grab a Beatles book that caught his eye as a consolation prize, but the "Marketplace" closed an hour early. A fitting conclusion to a demoralizing festival that haunted Tom all night. He suffered a full-on nightmare, and he still couldn't shake it off on Saturday morning. It got to him. He was denied. He wasn't going to give up yet.
Tom looked in the mirror and decided to go to the Englishtown Flea Market. He hadn't been since he was a little boy, and it was bad news -- a barren, post-apocalyptic shopping mall that looked like a combat zone out of The Road Warrior. The first pieces of merchandise he saw were far from Beatles boots: weird bags of cookies scattered on the ground and scary jewelry. Tom was greeted by the sight of a woman yelling into the men's room to get a customer to pick up his bag of dinner rolls. He is pretty sure he saw a guy with two heads, the result of the nuclear testing that occurs on the grounds. Tom was mildly intrigued by a table with two music DVDs -- live concerts from Peter Gabriel and jazz pianist Marian McPartland -- and one copy of the Andy Samberg comedy, Hot Rod. No bootlegs. The rest of the vendor's selections were films of the pornographic varietay. Tom thinks he should just stick to porn since it's already 99.8% of his inventory. After seeing a weirdo selling pewter animals Tom knew that made a deal with the devil to go to this flea market. He didn't leave with any bootlegs, but he thinks he left part of his soul on the sunglasses table or with the car radios. Tom asks listeners to buy back the shreds of his dignity and send them back to him.
As we all know, Tom's a fighter, and he still wouldn't give up hope. Next stop: Route 18. Tom arrived at 4:07 p.m. and completed his search by 4:13 p.m. In those six minutes he found no bootlegs, but he did see the following items:
Paintball equipment
Slot machines ("I hit the jackpot! Oh, wait, I own this.")
Knives
More pewter animals
Karate gear
More porn
Worst-looking food on Earth
Lots of stuff celebrating the violence in Asian culture
Tom got choked up passing an animal shelter, and he put a little money in the cup. He then realized that he was getting misty because people were applying shellac to paintings four feet from the dogs and cats. Toxic chemicals: yes. Bootlegs: no. Tom reminisces about his youth when the bootlegs flowed like water. You threw a rock, and you hit one. He doesn't understand what has happened to this country.